The Heart of the Matter

I started something the other night I need to continue. There were no comments on my post on forgiveness, and I don't want to project my emotions on anyone else, but I really feel like there are probably a lot of folks dealing with this subject now. One of the primary reasons I come to this conclusion is something that happened at church this morning. I strolled in, normal Sunday morning, grabbed the bulletin, and looked over the scripture references and topic- forgiveness.

It's interesting to think about forgiveness at a time when we traditionally focus on thankfulness, but it is possibly the best time to look at it. In reality, many of us will settle around Thanksgiving tables Thursday with folks we harbor terrible feelings toward. Folks who, no matter what they have done or we perceive they have done, should be forgiven.

Before I even started the process of writing on forgiveness the other night, the Don Henley song, "Heart of the Matter" started rattling through my head. Initially the line that stuck out to me was, "...and my thoughts seem to scatter but I think it's about forgiveness." Today, though, another line sticks out, "The more I know, the less I understand; all the things I thought I knew I'm learning again."

I thought I knew about the necessity of forgiveness, I didn't think I knew what real forgiveness was. I thought I knew how to forgive in all but the most difficult situations, I didn't think I had ever heard from any source what constitutes real forgiveness. Of all of these there is only one thing I know for sure today, the depth of my ignorance and arrogance is far greater than I ever feared and my reliance on the One who has any real knowledge and power is absolutely, positively absent.

I'm not going to post full quotes from scripture here, but I encourage you to look them up at http://www.esvstudybible.org/search, just to get a feel for what I'm talking about. Matthew 18:21-35 and Luke 6:35-38 really summed up, for me, the answers to my questions. At first glance, and even after studying for a while, neither of these answered my questions. I genuinely felt confused at how to deal with especially egregious violations of trust. But after just one more hearing it really jumped out at me- yes forgive with all you have, let it go, don't relive the past, don't talk about it, don't gossip, don't avoid, just let it go and move on.

Now, of course, a major point I struggle with is does this reflect in reconciling the broken relationship. In terms of the what happened in the past, yes; in terms of allowing a future, yes; in terms of letting yourself be injured again, no. Let me make this perfectly clear- these do not contradict each other, the latter does not give license to forget the former. What I am saying is to forgive, even 'forget'; do not hold onto what happened in the past under the guise of protecting yourself, but do not allow the person who harmed you to do it again.

Let me put this in terms of one of the greatest forms of evil one person can perpetrate against another- physical abuse. If you are abused, get out. Get as far from your abuser as absolutely possible and do it now, don't read any farther until you are away from the violator. Now, you begin the process of forgiving. This means you forgive, you move forward with the relationship. You do not restore the relationship to what it was before, you simply begin to move forward. The past is done, it can't be undone; that said it need not be redone. The rebuilding may be to only speak when necessary, only in safe situations; it may mean never speaking to the aggressor again, but it does not mean holding the actions of the past as a debt to you. Forgive without request and forgive unconditionally.

I think where I really broke down on this was in the biblical idea of 'forgive as you have been forgiven.' I look at it as Christ's forgiveness has afforded me everything I have yesterday, today, and tomorrow. Christ's forgiveness fully reconciles me to God, and thus-ly affords me a relationship with Him. What I failed to remember is that forgiveness was afforded without cost to me at the cross, but the relationship only grows as a result of my acceptance of, and repentance for, my many sins.

We are not God. We have failed our transgressors just as they have failed us. We must start by admitting our own failings. Once admitted, forgive. If the relationship re-grows it will be a result of both parties admitting their failures and growing together, but the key term is re-grows. The relationship starts over from the beginning, no past, no future, just today. Forgive and start with just what you have today, if that's nothing today you have nothing, if it's a little you have a little. Bring what you have and start there.

So, in reality, this is a lesson for myself. Am I where I say I need to be, am I in a place where I am forgiving? No. I am simply at a place where I am beginning to recognize that I need forgiveness and need to forgive. From there I will begin the process of learning how to apply the actual lesson of forgiving to my situation.