I started something the other night I need to continue. There were no comments on my post on forgiveness, and I don't want to project my emotions on anyone else, but I really feel like there are probably a lot of folks dealing with this subject now. One of the primary reasons I come to this conclusion is something that happened at church this morning. I strolled in, normal Sunday morning, grabbed the bulletin, and looked over the scripture references and topic- forgiveness.
It's interesting to think about forgiveness at a time when we traditionally focus on thankfulness, but it is possibly the best time to look at it. In reality, many of us will settle around Thanksgiving tables Thursday with folks we harbor terrible feelings toward. Folks who, no matter what they have done or we perceive they have done, should be forgiven.
Before I even started the process of writing on forgiveness the other night, the Don Henley song, "Heart of the Matter" started rattling through my head. Initially the line that stuck out to me was, "...and my thoughts seem to scatter but I think it's about forgiveness." Today, though, another line sticks out, "The more I know, the less I understand; all the things I thought I knew I'm learning again."
I thought I knew about the necessity of forgiveness, I didn't think I knew what real forgiveness was. I thought I knew how to forgive in all but the most difficult situations, I didn't think I had ever heard from any source what constitutes real forgiveness. Of all of these there is only one thing I know for sure today, the depth of my ignorance and arrogance is far greater than I ever feared and my reliance on the One who has any real knowledge and power is absolutely, positively absent.
I'm not going to post full quotes from scripture here, but I encourage you to look them up at http://www.esvstudybible.org/search, just to get a feel for what I'm talking about. Matthew 18:21-35 and Luke 6:35-38 really summed up, for me, the answers to my questions. At first glance, and even after studying for a while, neither of these answered my questions. I genuinely felt confused at how to deal with especially egregious violations of trust. But after just one more hearing it really jumped out at me- yes forgive with all you have, let it go, don't relive the past, don't talk about it, don't gossip, don't avoid, just let it go and move on.
Now, of course, a major point I struggle with is does this reflect in reconciling the broken relationship. In terms of the what happened in the past, yes; in terms of allowing a future, yes; in terms of letting yourself be injured again, no. Let me make this perfectly clear- these do not contradict each other, the latter does not give license to forget the former. What I am saying is to forgive, even 'forget'; do not hold onto what happened in the past under the guise of protecting yourself, but do not allow the person who harmed you to do it again.
Let me put this in terms of one of the greatest forms of evil one person can perpetrate against another- physical abuse. If you are abused, get out. Get as far from your abuser as absolutely possible and do it now, don't read any farther until you are away from the violator. Now, you begin the process of forgiving. This means you forgive, you move forward with the relationship. You do not restore the relationship to what it was before, you simply begin to move forward. The past is done, it can't be undone; that said it need not be redone. The rebuilding may be to only speak when necessary, only in safe situations; it may mean never speaking to the aggressor again, but it does not mean holding the actions of the past as a debt to you. Forgive without request and forgive unconditionally.
I think where I really broke down on this was in the biblical idea of 'forgive as you have been forgiven.' I look at it as Christ's forgiveness has afforded me everything I have yesterday, today, and tomorrow. Christ's forgiveness fully reconciles me to God, and thus-ly affords me a relationship with Him. What I failed to remember is that forgiveness was afforded without cost to me at the cross, but the relationship only grows as a result of my acceptance of, and repentance for, my many sins.
We are not God. We have failed our transgressors just as they have failed us. We must start by admitting our own failings. Once admitted, forgive. If the relationship re-grows it will be a result of both parties admitting their failures and growing together, but the key term is re-grows. The relationship starts over from the beginning, no past, no future, just today. Forgive and start with just what you have today, if that's nothing today you have nothing, if it's a little you have a little. Bring what you have and start there.
So, in reality, this is a lesson for myself. Am I where I say I need to be, am I in a place where I am forgiving? No. I am simply at a place where I am beginning to recognize that I need forgiveness and need to forgive. From there I will begin the process of learning how to apply the actual lesson of forgiving to my situation.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Forgiveness
I need to be very honest, I have been struggling with something lately. What does it mean to forgive? Not say all is forgiven, not forget, not pretend like nothing ever went wrong, not accept an apology, but really forgive.
Having some sort of open issue is problem enough, but to close an issue brings in another problem. Can an issue be resolved without forgiveness? I don't think so, but another question comes to mind- can there be forgiveness without reconciliation? If not, can there be reconciliation without re-establishing relationship? If there must be relationship, must it be vibrant, deep and trusting, or may it give consideration to past wrongs for the safety of all parties involved?
So often in my life I have forgiven. More often I have had to ask for forgiveness. Most times forgiveness is requested and granted it is a relatively easy process. Sure there is some pain, but not too much. You hash through things, you forgive, you move forward. What I am talking about are those particularly hard providences, times when you and those closest to you are hurt so deeply that all manner of measure needs to be in place to know it will never happen again. Those times when the offender is so paralyzed by their own naval gazing they have no remorse for what they've done- in fact blaming the offended for all that is done and taking no responsibility for their own involvement. Those are the situation I still struggle with what it means to forgive.
The common thread I see in most situations where forgiveness is difficult is a lack a core dialog. No matter how much I desire to forgive and be forgiven, the other party has no real desire to be part of it. Sure, sometimes they may talk about it, other times they may not; but the stark reality in these situations is nothing you can say or do will be enough for them to forgive you of your wrongs and they cannot see past themselves far enough to realize it takes two people to wrong one another. Simply said, expressing your feelings on a situation in hopes for moving toward forgiveness is taken as none more than an affront to them, and the dialog never begins. These turn into blame and shame sessions where you are even more wrong and things generally become worse, as everything you say in an attempt to start the process ends up being used against you.
Obviously I have a world-view that comes into play when I look at forgiveness. I've looked in the Bible, I've looked to trusted people, researched great theologians, and what I tend to find is the issue is very unclear. It is very clear, from all of these sources, that forgiveness is necessary. What is still not clear is what constitutes forgiveness. All of the questions I ask seem to be answered differently depending on who is answering. Is it simply that forgiveness, while itself objective, is reached subjectively?
What makes all of this particularly difficult is, erstwhile transgressions aside, the lingering feelings when not having forgiven is a very present danger. Those feelings are an infection, a cancer, and it cannot be taken seriously enough how profound an effect they have on every part of life. I have seen, in my own experience, the anger, remorse, depression, any number of negative emotions, invade my life. These emotions begin to negatively effect other relationships, output, and physical health. Not to be cliche, but it really is as we have heard so often- unhealthy.
To this, the end of forgiveness is critically important. Oddly enough these negative emotions can give great power to a transgressor, as when they are aware of the emotional toll of not allowing a dialog to begin they may use that to gain more control over the situation. This cycle, if unbroken, will ultimately lead to many shattered relationships and a loss of a forgiving spirit.
So i have meandered through all of it- why forgiveness is important, why we forgive, where forgiveness breaks down, and to a lesser degree what forgiveness is. But again I ask- what is forgiveness, real forgiveness? What constitutes real forgiveness? Must we, like God, forgive and forget? Does God hold us to His high standard, although we are ourselves unable to attain holiness in our own power? Or is forgiveness more like what a bank or government does when it forgives a debt? It is no longer owed, but I sure doubt you will be offered anymore debt by that lender. Is it somewhere in between; subjective, situational?
What is the hallmark of true forgiveness in human relationships? I do not know.
Having some sort of open issue is problem enough, but to close an issue brings in another problem. Can an issue be resolved without forgiveness? I don't think so, but another question comes to mind- can there be forgiveness without reconciliation? If not, can there be reconciliation without re-establishing relationship? If there must be relationship, must it be vibrant, deep and trusting, or may it give consideration to past wrongs for the safety of all parties involved?
So often in my life I have forgiven. More often I have had to ask for forgiveness. Most times forgiveness is requested and granted it is a relatively easy process. Sure there is some pain, but not too much. You hash through things, you forgive, you move forward. What I am talking about are those particularly hard providences, times when you and those closest to you are hurt so deeply that all manner of measure needs to be in place to know it will never happen again. Those times when the offender is so paralyzed by their own naval gazing they have no remorse for what they've done- in fact blaming the offended for all that is done and taking no responsibility for their own involvement. Those are the situation I still struggle with what it means to forgive.
The common thread I see in most situations where forgiveness is difficult is a lack a core dialog. No matter how much I desire to forgive and be forgiven, the other party has no real desire to be part of it. Sure, sometimes they may talk about it, other times they may not; but the stark reality in these situations is nothing you can say or do will be enough for them to forgive you of your wrongs and they cannot see past themselves far enough to realize it takes two people to wrong one another. Simply said, expressing your feelings on a situation in hopes for moving toward forgiveness is taken as none more than an affront to them, and the dialog never begins. These turn into blame and shame sessions where you are even more wrong and things generally become worse, as everything you say in an attempt to start the process ends up being used against you.
Obviously I have a world-view that comes into play when I look at forgiveness. I've looked in the Bible, I've looked to trusted people, researched great theologians, and what I tend to find is the issue is very unclear. It is very clear, from all of these sources, that forgiveness is necessary. What is still not clear is what constitutes forgiveness. All of the questions I ask seem to be answered differently depending on who is answering. Is it simply that forgiveness, while itself objective, is reached subjectively?
What makes all of this particularly difficult is, erstwhile transgressions aside, the lingering feelings when not having forgiven is a very present danger. Those feelings are an infection, a cancer, and it cannot be taken seriously enough how profound an effect they have on every part of life. I have seen, in my own experience, the anger, remorse, depression, any number of negative emotions, invade my life. These emotions begin to negatively effect other relationships, output, and physical health. Not to be cliche, but it really is as we have heard so often- unhealthy.
To this, the end of forgiveness is critically important. Oddly enough these negative emotions can give great power to a transgressor, as when they are aware of the emotional toll of not allowing a dialog to begin they may use that to gain more control over the situation. This cycle, if unbroken, will ultimately lead to many shattered relationships and a loss of a forgiving spirit.
So i have meandered through all of it- why forgiveness is important, why we forgive, where forgiveness breaks down, and to a lesser degree what forgiveness is. But again I ask- what is forgiveness, real forgiveness? What constitutes real forgiveness? Must we, like God, forgive and forget? Does God hold us to His high standard, although we are ourselves unable to attain holiness in our own power? Or is forgiveness more like what a bank or government does when it forgives a debt? It is no longer owed, but I sure doubt you will be offered anymore debt by that lender. Is it somewhere in between; subjective, situational?
What is the hallmark of true forgiveness in human relationships? I do not know.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
A Fun Night
Every once in a while you need a break. I wish I got more breaks, but what I have comes with the territory. I could wish all I wanted, but if I actually got most of what I wish for I'd probably realize it doesn't change anything. Okay, I digress...
Back to my original point. A couple of months ago I started working from home on the weekends I work. I still have to work, I still have to stay up all night, I still sleep during the day; but I'm at home, with my boys (during their waking hours), get to spend more time with Shelly, and now I only have to drive to Nashville two days a week. All of those are pretty positive. I guess some would say not having the interaction with co-workers is a negative, but if you know me well, or you've read this with any regularity, you know my desire for congeniality for its sake is fairly low.
Tonight has, for the most part, been fairly slow at work. Normally I'm not fond of that, but I'll take it every now and then. Early on I sat downstairs in my big comfy chair watching TV and chatting with Shelly. After she went to bed and turned the heat down I got cold, so I decided to go to my studio. I have two PCs in the room, and brought in my work laptop to make it three. I figured with the doors closed I could get some heat. Swift thinking on a night when I haven't otherwise engaged my brain.
It was still slow and I was still cold, so I decided I'd do a little recording. I need to demo out some of what I've been writing lately and it was a good time. So I fired up the console and a couple of tube mics. Now we've got vacuum tubes, transistors, resistors, processors, capacitors, any other kind of -ors, and one human being playing music in a bedroom-cum-recording studio.
I ran through about five takes of a guitar track I was laying down and decided to go grab some coffee. When I walked out into the hallway it was easily ten degrees cooler than in the studio. Success! I'm warm and toasty, the family still has comfortable sleeping conditions.
Oh, and my acoustic guitar is recording so beautifully tonight. These tube condenser mics really pick up the warm, woody tone of my Taylor.
So fun and successful. I'm warm and I've gotten to record some good takes with no interruptions. All that and the work side of things has remained quiet. It's been good.
Back to my original point. A couple of months ago I started working from home on the weekends I work. I still have to work, I still have to stay up all night, I still sleep during the day; but I'm at home, with my boys (during their waking hours), get to spend more time with Shelly, and now I only have to drive to Nashville two days a week. All of those are pretty positive. I guess some would say not having the interaction with co-workers is a negative, but if you know me well, or you've read this with any regularity, you know my desire for congeniality for its sake is fairly low.
Tonight has, for the most part, been fairly slow at work. Normally I'm not fond of that, but I'll take it every now and then. Early on I sat downstairs in my big comfy chair watching TV and chatting with Shelly. After she went to bed and turned the heat down I got cold, so I decided to go to my studio. I have two PCs in the room, and brought in my work laptop to make it three. I figured with the doors closed I could get some heat. Swift thinking on a night when I haven't otherwise engaged my brain.
It was still slow and I was still cold, so I decided I'd do a little recording. I need to demo out some of what I've been writing lately and it was a good time. So I fired up the console and a couple of tube mics. Now we've got vacuum tubes, transistors, resistors, processors, capacitors, any other kind of -ors, and one human being playing music in a bedroom-cum-recording studio.
I ran through about five takes of a guitar track I was laying down and decided to go grab some coffee. When I walked out into the hallway it was easily ten degrees cooler than in the studio. Success! I'm warm and toasty, the family still has comfortable sleeping conditions.
Oh, and my acoustic guitar is recording so beautifully tonight. These tube condenser mics really pick up the warm, woody tone of my Taylor.
So fun and successful. I'm warm and I've gotten to record some good takes with no interruptions. All that and the work side of things has remained quiet. It's been good.
Monday, November 09, 2009
An Admission
I admit it, sometimes I seem a bit standoff-ish. I don't mean to hurt any one's feelings, it is how I am. I also don't offer it as an excuse to behave badly, but as a place to start.
It was funny- Shelly and I took a little trip to take in a football game and see some old friends back in Florida. At one point on the on the way down, somewhere between Chattanooga, TN and Atlanta, Shelly said, "It's been more than an hour, so I'll say something." It was funny, we both laughed, since we both no how each other are. She always wants to talk, I never talk.
I don't know that there's a clear point of right and wrong, I don't even know if someplace in between is better than either way. I say this because I find I often judge, and am judged, based on the amount said instead of the content of what is said. If I hear a lot more than I need to know, I tend n0t to sort through and get the facts of the story I'm hearing but rather move on and get what I need elsewhere. Likewise, if someone gives a simple "just-the-facts" type answer we often excuse that person as some sort of bad person.
I guess I only bring all of this up as a lesson to myself. I don't know that I'm too quick to judge, but I do know I need to be careful to listen and much more careful about speaking. I don't know that I'll ever be able to speak quite as freely as I write; casual conversation is not something that comes terribly easy to me or is even that enjoyable.
Ironic, I guess that I even point this out to myself now. I have been at my desk for 11 hours tonight and I doubt I have spoken more than two sentences to the other two people in the room. I suppose I should stop writing and figure out how to put some of this into practice. Okay, I doubt it, but it's a thought.
It was funny- Shelly and I took a little trip to take in a football game and see some old friends back in Florida. At one point on the on the way down, somewhere between Chattanooga, TN and Atlanta, Shelly said, "It's been more than an hour, so I'll say something." It was funny, we both laughed, since we both no how each other are. She always wants to talk, I never talk.
I don't know that there's a clear point of right and wrong, I don't even know if someplace in between is better than either way. I say this because I find I often judge, and am judged, based on the amount said instead of the content of what is said. If I hear a lot more than I need to know, I tend n0t to sort through and get the facts of the story I'm hearing but rather move on and get what I need elsewhere. Likewise, if someone gives a simple "just-the-facts" type answer we often excuse that person as some sort of bad person.
I guess I only bring all of this up as a lesson to myself. I don't know that I'm too quick to judge, but I do know I need to be careful to listen and much more careful about speaking. I don't know that I'll ever be able to speak quite as freely as I write; casual conversation is not something that comes terribly easy to me or is even that enjoyable.
Ironic, I guess that I even point this out to myself now. I have been at my desk for 11 hours tonight and I doubt I have spoken more than two sentences to the other two people in the room. I suppose I should stop writing and figure out how to put some of this into practice. Okay, I doubt it, but it's a thought.
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