Forgiveness

I need to be very honest, I have been struggling with something lately. What does it mean to forgive? Not say all is forgiven, not forget, not pretend like nothing ever went wrong, not accept an apology, but really forgive.

Having some sort of open issue is problem enough, but to close an issue brings in another problem. Can an issue be resolved without forgiveness? I don't think so, but another question comes to mind- can there be forgiveness without reconciliation? If not, can there be reconciliation without re-establishing relationship? If there must be relationship, must it be vibrant, deep and trusting, or may it give consideration to past wrongs for the safety of all parties involved?

So often in my life I have forgiven. More often I have had to ask for forgiveness. Most times forgiveness is requested and granted it is a relatively easy process. Sure there is some pain, but not too much. You hash through things, you forgive, you move forward. What I am talking about are those particularly hard providences, times when you and those closest to you are hurt so deeply that all manner of measure needs to be in place to know it will never happen again. Those times when the offender is so paralyzed by their own naval gazing they have no remorse for what they've done- in fact blaming the offended for all that is done and taking no responsibility for their own involvement. Those are the situation I still struggle with what it means to forgive.

The common thread I see in most situations where forgiveness is difficult is a lack a core dialog. No matter how much I desire to forgive and be forgiven, the other party has no real desire to be part of it. Sure, sometimes they may talk about it, other times they may not; but the stark reality in these situations is nothing you can say or do will be enough for them to forgive you of your wrongs and they cannot see past themselves far enough to realize it takes two people to wrong one another. Simply said, expressing your feelings on a situation in hopes for moving toward forgiveness is taken as none more than an affront to them, and the dialog never begins. These turn into blame and shame sessions where you are even more wrong and things generally become worse, as everything you say in an attempt to start the process ends up being used against you.

Obviously I have a world-view that comes into play when I look at forgiveness. I've looked in the Bible, I've looked to trusted people, researched great theologians, and what I tend to find is the issue is very unclear. It is very clear, from all of these sources, that forgiveness is necessary. What is still not clear is what constitutes forgiveness. All of the questions I ask seem to be answered differently depending on who is answering. Is it simply that forgiveness, while itself objective, is reached subjectively?

What makes all of this particularly difficult is, erstwhile transgressions aside, the lingering feelings when not having forgiven is a very present danger. Those feelings are an infection, a cancer, and it cannot be taken seriously enough how profound an effect they have on every part of life. I have seen, in my own experience, the anger, remorse, depression, any number of negative emotions, invade my life. These emotions begin to negatively effect other relationships, output, and physical health. Not to be cliche, but it really is as we have heard so often- unhealthy.

To this, the end of forgiveness is critically important. Oddly enough these negative emotions can give great power to a transgressor, as when they are aware of the emotional toll of not allowing a dialog to begin they may use that to gain more control over the situation. This cycle, if unbroken, will ultimately lead to many shattered relationships and a loss of a forgiving spirit.

So i have meandered through all of it- why forgiveness is important, why we forgive, where forgiveness breaks down, and to a lesser degree what forgiveness is. But again I ask- what is forgiveness, real forgiveness? What constitutes real forgiveness? Must we, like God, forgive and forget? Does God hold us to His high standard, although we are ourselves unable to attain holiness in our own power? Or is forgiveness more like what a bank or government does when it forgives a debt? It is no longer owed, but I sure doubt you will be offered anymore debt by that lender. Is it somewhere in between; subjective, situational?

What is the hallmark of true forgiveness in human relationships? I do not know.